Life

to fulfill my own demand its not something easy to do. everyday i woke up, i faced the same problem that is ; i'm not someone who i wanted to be.


call me a greedy fucker or what ever i don't care because i am greedy.


i want to dance but the way i dance are just too awkward even i was embarrassed with myself, every time i watch the reflection in the mirror how shameless i move my body and witness all my crappy unsteady moves. you never know how disappointed i am. i can't hold the desire to keep the truth how much i want to sing but my voice wasn't a gift from the heaven, a few times i tried to record myself singing, it was horrible indeed.


to be a good english writer it's already on the list of my dreams since when i don't remember. it's like a part of my life. a thing i want to do. a thing i want to live in. a thing i want to master but no. it's really not that easy. yes i can write in english and speak the language. but it's still not enough for me. i don't even know why i keep stressing my mind and my body. why..why you can't write like her? why you can't speak fluently like him? why you can't pronounce a simple word properly?.


my friends keep on encourage me by telling me how my english is actually fine, yes i was okay for a moment but it does not help me that much because i always thought the same thing everyday, every minutes, every seconds. seriously how can i stop this??


some people don't understand why i was too obsess with english. it's only a language dang it.


people never understand, they never know and tbh they never want to know at the first place. is it wrong for me to do what i love? at least i used my own energy and my own brain cells to create some efforts and obviously not yours. so why bother?


it's funny how i confuse with all this shits. i want to be a successful student but i never force myself to stay up for study. to be a good writer but refused to read the novels i bought. to be a goddess skinny but never stop eating. all things mixed up. i was messed up. i can't have a clear thought and i tend to forget everything quickly.


this is bad. either for my health or for my spiritual.


i can't wait until i reach the age when i have a complete mature mind to think straight, to have a good profession. to have a better life. i just really can't wait for that moment. but of course...before i reach that level i have to go through my teenager life first. to bear with all the low confidence and self-esteem. it's a tough journey that i must take. i probably will break in the middle of the road. or i will grown up to be a great woman someday. we never know.


one thing i must keep in my mind is, never regret what had happened, history. memory. sweet or full with pain. it's a part of the lessons, different people with different lessons who actually make us who we are in the future, so never ever regret your past. it's precious.


so this month i am officially 16 years old! Alhamdulilah i still breathing, thank you Allah. if i look back, i have changed so much within all the years. sense of responsibility towards my family really hit me on the face how i should study harder for my spm next year. it's still too early for me to work so the other way to repay my parent is give them my best try for my education.


i will promise to myself i will study harder starting today, it breaks my heart when mum used all her money pay for my tuition fees, almost reach RM400 only for a month. if...if i study harder before this, at least i don't need tuition and mum will never have to pay all this. even in front me she said it's okay if she have to sacrifice for me now, i know she must feel burden in silent. i'm sorry mum.....


"dah 16 dah umur dia, cantik kan..." She proudly said these words to my other family member.


 thank you mum, thank you for saying things that i see impossible to my eyes. you are the best.


till my birthday next year, i want to see how much i change myself, taking one step closer to my dreams it's never fail making me feel excited to let myself deal with the world. i have too many dreams to catch up with the short amount of time, i guess there's no rest for me this time.



along the process, together let's see how i've changed again....

lots of love, Nadya.